11:31pm: First Post
This journal won't really be a daily chronicle of events, but more of a way for me to monitor my moods and habits. As far back as I can remember, I have always been different from other people. There has been something that separated me at times, that somehow kept me from developing close and lasting relationships and friendships. I am not, and have never by any stretch of imagination been an outcast. Before this year I have always been able to function in a group, to communicate and interact in a social setting, either with a single person, or in groups. But once away from other people, I have always felt a crushing loneliness that I have never been able to explain. As I have grown and experienced more, I have come to realize that this emotion has always come in cycles, cycles which would bring me from the pits of despair to the utmost pinnacle of exhilaration. For twenty years, I managed to believe that this was normal, that everyone went through the same.
Last Spring, I went through one of the most severe depressive periods of my life. It started out as a normal "slow" period of my life, but was aggravated by a lot of outside factors, dragged on for over a year, forced me to counseling, and almost caused me to be kicked out of college. It was this counselor who told me about a condition called manic-depressive or bipolar disorder, and who suggested that I might suffer from it.
Because of the job I want, I couldn't allow myself to be formally diagnosed with a mental illness and take medications which she said would allow me to live a normal life, interact more healthily with other people, and, in general, function more successfully.
Its been almost a year since then, and I have been trying to learn to live with this affliction, and am determined not to take medications. I still sit and wonder sometimes how I can be two people. One who is easygoing, friendly, energetic, funny, resourceful, and, dare I say, charming, and one who is paranoid, high-strung, shaky, sleepless, lethargic, and pessimistic. If I were able to believe that I had a split personality, this would be easy, but no matter how I act or feel, both of these people are inherently ME, they have my likes and dislikes, my feelings and ambitions, my fears and desires. These two sides of my person are intertwined because they are the same, and differ only in that they are set at opposite emotional extremes.
This journal is my attempt to record my feelings, to learn the warning signs of my disorder so that I can better prepare for the onset of my bipolar extremes.
If this sounds a bit much, bear with me; I am not a raving psycho. I don't think I am Napoleon or hear voices or talk to people who aren't there. Although I have a disorder, the person who it really affects is me; there are people who have known me for years and not suspected a thing. I am just as normal and sane as anyone else. I play guitar, work out, go fishing, and watch boxing and college football. I'm working on my bachelor's degree (although I am taking an unscheduled semester off right now due to my school's bureaucracy.) Feel free to talk to me on AIM, MSN, or Yahoo Messenger if you want, and especially if you've ever felt the same way that I do. If you catch me in a good mood, I'll generally talk your ear off, and if not, I'll try to be nice.
In the end, I can't really think of anything else of my own, to say, so I'll leave you with the quote that "I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell."
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}